The hospital…

At the hospital, a day of intake, prep procedures, etc. a very different feel this time. Not sure why. Perhaps the reality of it all is settling in?

The nurse played us a 12 minute video of what the surgery and recovery would be like. Sobering. I don’t want this damn cancer and I certainly don’t want this surgery and recovery.

The hospital is an odd mix. Many, many sick people, lots of them elderly, occasionally you see younger patients. Chase thought it was a very sad place. She’s right. Lots of dour expressions, thousand yard stares, people who are fighting and tired. Lots of waiting and more waiting, so many people seeking treatment. I have been told that 40-50 year olds are the fastest growing cancer demo…where are they? I don’t see them here in large numbers…

Tomorrow this time I will be in post operative recovery, holes in my chest, tubes, beeping, and pain meds. 4-5 days in the hospital, I can’t wait to walk out of this place. Just want the next 5 days to go quickly and start the recovery.

I still cannot believe this is the path I must walk. How did this happen? Lung cancer? Will I ever get used to hearing that?

I am going to need to work really hard after the surgery to stay positive and keep my spirits up while I am in the hospital. It is not as easy for me as it is when I am at home, physically active, and surrounded by the love of my family.  Man I want to yell, kick and scream, and curse that it is not fair…and I imagine so does every other person in this hospital.

And I need to remember that I am lucky. As the PA in anesthesiology said I have one of the best surgeons in the world, a great team, and an excellent prognosis. And yet I don’t feel lucky.

This damn cold. 2 weeks of annoying sinus, of all the times to have a nagging cold. guess I will have bigger things to worry about tomorrow.

Going to miss the kids so much it hurts. I felt it today when I was at the hospital and they were here at the hotel in the pool. All I wanted was to be in the pool playing and goofing around with them.

Tomorrow will be a blur, a lost day. The following few days will hopefully not drag on to slowly. I just want to get through this. Man this sucks.

Keep thinking of the day I crashed on my mountain bike. I was feeling so good, and yet I had this deadly disease slowly growing in my lungs. How weird to feel so good and yet to be ill with what would eventually be a terminal disease.

Too tired to think about it anymore. Hoping to get a solid 11 hours sleep tonight, hopefully make some more progress on this cold and get as ready as I can for tomorrow. Saying good-bye to the kids will be hard.

Hard to imagine that only 5 weeks have gone by since I was diagnosed…time is a funny construct.

Thanks to all who have reached out. Please be sure to look after Brooke while I am on my back. She is strong, yet everybody needs love and support. She is human after all :-).

Ok that’s it for me for a while. See you on the other side!

Much love to all.