The hospital…

At the hospital, a day of intake, prep procedures, etc. a very different feel this time. Not sure why. Perhaps the reality of it all is settling in?

The nurse played us a 12 minute video of what the surgery and recovery would be like. Sobering. I don’t want this damn cancer and I certainly don’t want this surgery and recovery.

The hospital is an odd mix. Many, many sick people, lots of them elderly, occasionally you see younger patients. Chase thought it was a very sad place. She’s right. Lots of dour expressions, thousand yard stares, people who are fighting and tired. Lots of waiting and more waiting, so many people seeking treatment. I have been told that 40-50 year olds are the fastest growing cancer demo…where are they? I don’t see them here in large numbers…

Tomorrow this time I will be in post operative recovery, holes in my chest, tubes, beeping, and pain meds. 4-5 days in the hospital, I can’t wait to walk out of this place. Just want the next 5 days to go quickly and start the recovery.

I still cannot believe this is the path I must walk. How did this happen? Lung cancer? Will I ever get used to hearing that?

I am going to need to work really hard after the surgery to stay positive and keep my spirits up while I am in the hospital. It is not as easy for me as it is when I am at home, physically active, and surrounded by the love of my family.  Man I want to yell, kick and scream, and curse that it is not fair…and I imagine so does every other person in this hospital.

And I need to remember that I am lucky. As the PA in anesthesiology said I have one of the best surgeons in the world, a great team, and an excellent prognosis. And yet I don’t feel lucky.

This damn cold. 2 weeks of annoying sinus, of all the times to have a nagging cold. guess I will have bigger things to worry about tomorrow.

Going to miss the kids so much it hurts. I felt it today when I was at the hospital and they were here at the hotel in the pool. All I wanted was to be in the pool playing and goofing around with them.

Tomorrow will be a blur, a lost day. The following few days will hopefully not drag on to slowly. I just want to get through this. Man this sucks.

Keep thinking of the day I crashed on my mountain bike. I was feeling so good, and yet I had this deadly disease slowly growing in my lungs. How weird to feel so good and yet to be ill with what would eventually be a terminal disease.

Too tired to think about it anymore. Hoping to get a solid 11 hours sleep tonight, hopefully make some more progress on this cold and get as ready as I can for tomorrow. Saying good-bye to the kids will be hard.

Hard to imagine that only 5 weeks have gone by since I was diagnosed…time is a funny construct.

Thanks to all who have reached out. Please be sure to look after Brooke while I am on my back. She is strong, yet everybody needs love and support. She is human after all :-).

Ok that’s it for me for a while. See you on the other side!

Much love to all.

Andrew

4 thoughts on “The hospital…

  1. Andrew, you don’t know me, I’m an old friend of Brooke’s. I know what it’s like to leave my child, walk into a place feeling relatively well, submit, and walk out hurting. It’s a complicated thing – gratitude mixes with resentment and it’s all aimed at the same target.
    Faith. You will pass through many layers in this process. Tomorrow, you submit. Let go, let them do their job. Ask for what you need, let the pain and anguish come and go. You have an arduous journey ahead but you will recover. You will. And you will be better for it all.
    I promise.
    Much love to you. You’ll be on my mind.
    Heather

  2. Hi Andrew,
    You don’t know me – I am an old friend of Brooke’s.
    I know about leaving my child, walking into a place feeling relatively well, submitting, and walking out hurting. It’s a complicated process. Gratitude mixes with anger and resentment and it’s all directed at the same target.

    Faith.

    You have a complicated road ahead, filled with parts of yourself you have yet to uncover.

    But tomorrow you submit. Let go. Ask for what you need, let the pain and anguish come and go. You will pass through many layers in this process but you will heal and then you will be more and better for it all.

    I promise.

    Sending you love. You will be on my mind tomorrow.

    Heather

  3. Sending you tons of hugs! My thoughts and prayers are with you all today. I will be reaching out to B all day today. Love to you all – Carroll

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