I am across the aisle from Andrew. He is sleeping, or perhaps meditating, something he has been doing so much in recent weeks. Miller is playing some new game on his iPad. Chase and Lang are watching Flipper on the iTouch. I am experiencing my regular bouts of horrible air travel anxiety. Yet today, I almost welcome my fear of flying. It is taking my mind off why we are traveling today.
I keep looking over at Andrew to see if his eyes have opened. Each time I do, I go through my ritual of surrounding him in love and white light. And I say my prayer for him. I have never had a hard time praying for Andrew. Andrew is all heart. A number of years ago, Andrew and I slipped into a very dark phase of our marriage. We struggled (really struggled) and we were angry (really angry) and we grew apart. In fact, we even separated physically for months at a time. At one point during this very dark stage, I had three very dear friends sit me down at separate times and suggest that I move on. In their opinions, the anger that they were witnessing between the two of us was becoming destructive to the children, despite our best intentions to shield the children from our issues. While I so respected the observations of our friends, as well as their collective courage to work to protect the children, and ultimately the two of us, I also could NOT imagine life without Andrew. And not just because he was the father to our three amazing children. As much as I disliked Andrew during this time, I truly never stopped loving him and I always prayed for him. As I said, Andrew is all heart. I have always known that, and I know I was drawn to him to work through these big issues together, side by side. For better or for worse (and let me tell you, it was really WORSE and really ugly for quite some time) — we are in this together. We are more grounded now and more clear in our love for each other. We have a depth of love and understanding that I couldn’t be more grateful for. As crazy as it might sound, I would do it all over again — exactly as we did, to get to this point today.
Yet, I digress. I keep looking over at Andrew and I just can’t believe he has cancer. I am surprised each time the kids bring it up, as if they are talking about someone else. I still wince a bit when I hear the word cancer. My heart even races a bit. And then I try to stop myself and ground myself in the fact that we are truly blessed for this diagnosis and the gifts that come with cancer and even more for Andrew’s incredible prognosis. We are truly the lucky ones. And we are so held and so loved and so supported. I have a great deal of faith that our outcome and our story is going to be a good one.
Andrew’s previous post about gratitude for the family and friends who have shown up in absolutely incredible and amazing ways is spot on. We are beyond fortunate to have the family and community that we have. We are forever changed, both together, and individually.
Flight attendant just came on asking us to turn off all devices. “Welcome to Houston.”