Mind Games…

“Our life is shaped by our mind…”

– The Dhammapada

I spent yesterday in the mountains of Colorado, an environment I love and that has always nourished me. In fact, I have invested a lot of time in my life seeking out high alpine environments on foot, ropes, and skis and have had the good fortune to stand on many hundreds of summits.

One might think that it would get easier once you have done it more than a few times. Yet the reality is that it is always hard. Mountains demand respect. And everyone, no matter age, fitness, or experience has to work hard each and every time. I have found that the hardest part of climbing any mountain, real or metaphoric, is the mental discipline needed to push through the inevitable adversity that arises after the initial adrenaline wears off. In fact, on every ascent it is a certainty that it will get hard. There are always moments where I wonder why I am doing this?  Where the thought of quitting, no matter how fleeting, arises and tempts with an easy out and justified rationalization. The goal is to persevere and get past the mental blocks the mind presents.

Yesterday I took 3 boys, all 12 years old, up two 14,000 ft. mountains. I counseled them that their minds would give out long before their bodies. That when climbing mountains, like everything in life, we essentially have control over 2 elements – our attitude and our level of effort. Everything else is subjective and dependent on a host of variables outside of our control. Yet with the right attitude, and a consistent and focused effort there is little that the human spirit cannot overcome. I find it is so easy  to say that…much harder to put it into practice.

I have cancer. I feel like I need to keep saying it, because after almost three weeks I don’t think I really believe it. Talk about a mind game! And the weirdest and surrealist part of my journey is that physically I feel fine. And for the most part I feel fine mentally as well. And then, when I least expect it it creeps into my consciousness…I have cancer. And like climbing the proverbial mountain, I hit the wall and want to turn around,  I waver on the edge of letting the cancer get me down. It is so odd to be fit and active, and yet to have a life threatening illness growing in my lungs every day. Lung cancer, seriously? Of all the types of cancer for me to contract? Cycling, mountain biking, skiing, hiking peaks, running…I like to use my lungs. I like to be active. I feel like whining “it’s so unfair”. Right, isn’t that what we tell the kids “life isn’t always fair”. Seems a bit different when we are mediating sharing toys or a piece of candy, but I guess it is all relevant. Truth is life isn’t fair.

And then there is the temptation to complain, to be the victim. It seems that everywhere I look these days I see people smoking, usually in cars, and often with a 64oz soda in the cup holder. And yet I have cancer? What? Why me?

Or the fear that creeps in when my guard is down, the risks of surgery, the concern that the doctors have missed something, that it has spread, that there will be complications…that…insert worst case scenario of your choice. “But you will be different, you are lucky you caught it early, you are healthy, etc.” And what if that is not the case…Am I really lucky? I have cancer after all. Am I being to cavalier? Do I need a second and third opinion? Am I in denial that this will be a quick surgical solution and then on with life? Just a small blip in my life’s path?

And then there are moments of pure annoyance. Cancer sucks, I am feeling great and I don’t want major thoracic surgery. I don’t want them to take out parts of my lungs and lymph, I don’t want weeks of recovery, and I certainly don’t want 5+ days in a hospital. I really detest hospitals. I am all too familiar with them and I have loathed every night I have spent in a hospital bed.

While I don’t want to admit it, there is a part of me that wants to maintain the perception that I am great all the time. We are going to push through this and I am one of the lucky ones…AND that is not entirely true. There is also the darker side that hangs there nipping at me when I let my guard down. Wants to draw me towards the negative. In fact if I let it, I am sure my mind will run away with itself and take me in tow. Unbridled it shows no restraint in what it can conjure. And isn’t that really the case for most of us? If we don’t make a conscious choice to be positive, the mind can imagine anything we let it.  “All phenomena are projections of the mind”. We cultivate our reality. And we choose how we respond to the “the mountains” in our life that each of us must scale.

So I am making a conscious and focused choice to be a mental and spiritual warrior. I have re-dedicated myself to what had been my dormant meditation practice. To work with my mind to set the right intention, to shape a positive reality, to stand in the light without fear of what “could be, should be, or would be”. There is no doubt, the adrenaline has worn off, and I am facing a steep climb. It is going to get hard, and I am determined to summit this peak. And along the way I know I will falter, I already have, yet with the right attitude and continued effort I am going to push through. I’ve got this.

“The mind is the source of all experience, and by changing the direction of the mind, we can change the quality of everything we experience”

– Buddha


One thought on “Mind Games…

  1. I was pointed towards your blog by a post on twitter. Very moving.

    I used to have a painting of a Chinese proverb. It said something to the extend of “the river doesn’t look so deep when you’re standing on top of the mountain”. I used to think it was about the perspective of standing on top of the world. It was not just that. It really was about understanding the true depth of the river. When I got sick myself I learned something about the true depth of the river. It changed me a lot, it made me more vulnerable, but also a little wiser. And it gave me purpose. To climb back up. And the truth is, I’ll never know when I’ve climbed that proverbial mountain fully. Maybe when I’m up high enough and the river doesn’t look so deep anymore

    I hope you’ll get to that place soon. Take care.

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